One in Nineteen Years - The break that was truly an Oasis

Revathi Radhakrishnan
Sabbatical from 1st June 2024 - 30th October 2024

I started working when I completed my graduation in the summer of 1996. I was a journalist and filmmaker for eight odd years and was also part of the women's movement working with slum and pavement dwellers of North Madras. I was a workaholic and found refuge in work. I was proud of this fact. As a woman, I had an identity that was of my own choice and being good at it helped me build my sense of self. I did not, however, realise that I was building myself for extreme amounts of stress and eventually burnout.

When I started Vanavil in 2005, the challenges were huge, and I was in a slump in my personal life. These added to the workaholic in me to take charge, and then I became a ferocious workaholic. That helped us to build Vanavil from scratch, though now I see it is not the only way to build something. My physical health suffered, mental health followed suit, and yet I did not take a break. Did not even consider it. I considered quitting the whole thing many times – twice I spoke seriously about quitting completely to my board but never considered a break. I thought it was not an option for a cash-strapped grassroots NGO like ours. I’m telling this short background because these will place my gains through the sabbatical in perspective.

I got word from Vishal that I’m a recipient of this wonderful TCI grant. I was happy and emotional, but a part of my mind was also panicking. I started the long journey of preparing for my break. It was probably the hardest work I did in my life because it meant pausing and looking at every single thing I was doing, creating a structure for that and enabling my colleagues to do that. I was a very hands-on and intuitive leader, and this process initially irritated me enormously, but, in a month or so, I was able to see why I never could think of taking a break. We also build what confines us, I realised. The emotional hurdle I could chart past, but the practical ones remained. We did not have many roles in the organisation, and I donned many hats. So, finding people who could stand in for each of these disparate roles was a bit tough.

I prepared six months to take a six-month break. I was supposed to go on my break on June 1st. In May, a long-pursued donor relationship succeeded. I was also selected for an incubator which would make one of my long-cherished dreams come true. I wavered. I thought for one whole week about the incubator vs sabbatical. My team and family stood strong on the sabbatical side and my body also kind of showed its leaning. But without the email from Vishal where he asked me to make a choice, I wouldn’t have crossed that bridge. I was moving hell and earth to find ways to do both. Vishal’s mail helped me see the problem – it was a tough question, but I still had to make a choice and move ahead. I think it's one of those rare moments when letting go of something you deem important could still feel like liberation. We took extra efforts to explain to our donor that this sabbatical would not affect our work. But we had to slash the duration to four months.

What did I do during my sabbatical?

Health 
I underwent a series of tests that I had been avoiding and did a month-long ayurvedic treatment. My health was technically good for the most part. But the stress and the anxiety had caused some severe complications, and I started my long journey of restorative practices during my sabbatical. The month I spent in the ayurveda treatment made me aware of my body and the stacks of toxic stuff I had allowed to pile up on my body. While I was aware of many things even before the time, to just look at my health and rest through the process helped me see how I can change the seemingly impossible – habits, ways and triggers. It also made me tremendously conscious of my team’s (who are 95% women) health and the need for us to create such possibilities for all of them.

Mindfulness
Spent a month at my meditation centre, Bodhizendo at Kodaikanal. It was the most restful part of my sabbatical even though I woke up every day at 5 am. Just not accessing the phone and completely keeping the thoughts about work made me realise how much fear and terror I was holding in me. It just helped me see some patterns in my ways of thinking. I had nothing to worry about or (catastrophise about).

The long spells of silence and relatively less talking overall living amidst nature, doing everyday chores and meditating and the wisdom that simple things can impart from the Zen books at the library all made me think about the fallibility of human life, and in a way, opened me up more to embrace imperfection with joy. My perfectionism, I realised, was also a camouflage for my fear, anxiety and anticipation of a catastrophe.

Though I’m writing very critical stuff about me, the time I spent was not about these. I lived without these problems and reveled in the beautiful space they cleared out inside me. So, I took long walks, climbed hills, stayed still and became an expert in peeling garlic. Watched birds – spotted some new ones and there was more than one evening when my body and soul were brimming… The cup runneth over…
 
Travel 
Travelled with my partner to faraway places. Though our Foreign trip did not materialise due to the rejection of visas, we went to Munnar, Ladakh and other areas. Just visiting a place with the mind free to wander through mountains, rivers, and birds was a new experience. Usually when we travel, I’ll be glued to the phone and would be answering calls from the team or checking mails and Slack once an hour at least. The vacation and the whole sabbatical have brought down my habit of constantly checking mails and slack to a healthy limit.

Learning
I cycled for the first time in my life, and I just loved it. It was a big surprise to me that the joy cycling could spring in me. I spent a month in Auroville learning Tai Chi. Even though I've lived in Tamil Nadu my whole life and have lots of friends in Pondicherry, I have never been to Auroville. This sabbatical allowed me to go and stay there and do a course of beginners Tai Chi. The slow form of non-confrontational Tai Chi helped me to connect the revamps I was attempting in the physical, mental and spiritual realms. Taichi helped me realise a fluidity and spaciousness both inside my body and outside. The low intensity physical work had a high intensity cleansing routine, and that helped me detox my body and mind so well.

Joining back:
I came back rejuvenated and relaxed to work. However, I did not pace myself properly and had a small meltdown in the first week. I was a bit frustrated that some of my tasks remained untouched and I had to catch up. But overall, I could see that Vanavil was not entirely dependent on me and that was a little difficult and largely liberating feeling. It helped me mark the areas where I’m still critical and I am now working on building the team and their capacities to fill these areas as well. I also realised that the culture of the organisation needs to be externalised from the leader and made into a living practice. During the sabbatical I realised my 1. Perfectionism and 2. Catastrophizing tendencies had a detrimental effect on me, and also the team and work of the organisation. I’m working on these aspects, and it has made our co-existence as a team so much more friendly and calmer.
 
Impacts of the Sabbatical

1. Preparation part helped us to create many important processes and demarcate ownerships
2. Talking to our donors about the sabbatical was a power shifting experience. Despite some hitches, the whole process strengthened our relationship with our donors.
3. The team that took charge worked brilliantly and that’s a big relief for me. One of my constant anxieties has been that I bear the organisation and that I can't step out even for a day. That anxiety has gone, and I think Vanavil can function and thrive even without me. We need to strengthen certain areas and hopefully I’ll take a back seat within three years. Just this realisation has made life better for me and the team and the organisation.
4. The deep dive into my well-being and mental health has helped me to see the need to have a well-being practice for our team. Collaboratively we have formed a safe space committee for our team to resolve issues. We are also planning to create mini wellbeing breaks for team members based on their needs.
5. I took open feedback from all our team members in our annual retreat. Some have told me that the post-sabbatical me should continue and many reiterated the need for mindful communication. It did not make me feel bad like before – I felt that I’m on the right path.
6. I’m spending specific time towards building the second line leadership and we are planning to access fellowships and courses for the second line to build their capacities and networks.

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