Learning to De-Program Myself from Old Patterns

Sachin Kumar Jain
Sabbatical Dates: 1st June 2024 - 31st March 2025

Honestly, it was a serious struggle. I did not realise ever that finding time for my own self and family is a cumbersome exercise, even if I’m given an opportunity to do so. In initial two months, I could not execute the plan and it was very difficult for me to move away from work and the organisational processes.

​So, to craft a buffer zone, I decided to complete my very personal long pending work of writing on Empathy.
 
I utilised the days of my sabbatical in two parts as it was planned. The first part of sabbatical, three months, I spent time with my family. I later realised that that in the given lifestyle, I am spending most of life with my work and actually am not consciously aware about the life at home. My elder daughter had completed her school education in MAY 2024 and she was willing to peruse education in Product Design. I always felt that everyone should enjoy freedom and that is specifically followed at my end but I think I got an opportunity to correct it during the period. What is that correction? I used to feel that my daughter is free to decide whatever she wants to pursue and I almost did not spend time with her to discuss or support her. But as soon as my sabbatical started, I started engaging in more conversation with her….I realised that she has to think and decide at her own but she also needs us to know what she is thinking and help her make things better. In fact, I was learning to spend time with family. In 30 years of working in civil society, I never spend so much time and make them realise that I am there.
 
I always wanted to meet people who are working in the civil society. The idea was to spend time with them and learn from their lives, families and communities. During this period, I had a chance to visit Udaipur, Bikaner in Rajasthan, Bandipur and Badgam in Kashmir, Luchnow, Koshambi in Uttar Pradesh, Sundarban in West Bengal, Umaria in Madhya Pradesh. For almost Five years, I was preparing to understand the history, genesis and motivation of civil society organisations but it was not becoming possible. During the course of this sabbatical I spent almost 35 days travelling with my interest and long pending plan. 
 
What questions /reflections emerged during your sabbatical – Could be related to personal or professional life.  
I have grown in the civil society community working with social movements and campaigns. This upbringing has taught me that civic action requires dedication and commitment, and I think I misunderstood it and started thinking it means moving away from personal life.
 
An unimaginable opportunity to rest, think, and complete a long-pending task with peace. I could never think of a sabbatical ever in 30 years of active organisational life. I entered into a conversation with Vishal Talreja about The Cocoon Initiative somewhere in September'23 about creating some space for personal well-being and self-reflection by moving away from the regular work, and started believing that the world and the organisation can still work without me. The idea was to create space for myself and for the organisation to be away from each other physically. I decided to keep two parts in my plan; one part was to complete a study of the Perspective of Civil Society Organisations about themselves, and the second part was to be with family and social circles. I had a very hard time from the very first day of my sabbatical plan. I started feeling very uncomfortable and sensing guilt that I was doing nothing, and I was erring. We, as civic actors, have never thought that one would have some time to think about themselves.
 
Maybe we never think that our personal and organisational lives are two different things. They are not separate verticals indeed, but they need to be given a specific identity, and I could not do it ever, so it was very challenging to create space for the very self-focused plan.
 
It took a couple of months for me to realise that emptying one's mind is not a matter of guilt and it is a project to rejuvenate oneself. You know what I have realised in this phase so far - I asked for forgiveness to 5 persons, with whom I wanted to reconnect, and realised that I should move my steps towards them. All this happened quite naturally while I was entering. This step opened a new source of energy and confidence within me. 
 
I also realised that while working hard we forget that we are making every single thing dependent on us and we carry the baggage of being leaders but in the last few months I realised everyone, including donors, resource organisations, statutory consultants, our boundary partners, our teams start asking the question - how things will work? I realise we, as a first-generation civil society organisation, need to work hard to make it a Public Institution in the real sense. I would not say that I could move away mindfully, but I could realise that I need to move ahead. 
 
One of the questions that remains to be explored is – What is the functional meaning of ‘commitment’? I am sure that meaning must not include the element of distancing from ourselves. I should be able to be in a no-thinking, no-action zone for some time. 
 
Our journey begins with learning and rethinking our arrangements. I've had the privilege of delving into the unknown, and I encourage each of us to liberate ourselves from rigid agendas, predetermined outcomes, and preconceived notions. I’m actively exploring the process of unprogramming our minds. I asked myself a crucial question: Who truly decides? Who genuinely feels? In grappling with pain, I found myself suggesting that it should be approached in a specific way. Yet, I realized that merely justifying my feelings wasn't the right path forward. Today, as I wandered through a jungle, I observed something profound. There were numerous intersections with no clear paths ahead. Only a few footprints were visible, left by those who dared to venture, and soon enough, a path emerged as others chose to follow. In this journey, we don’t have to confine ourselves to a single decision about where to go!
 
What memory has stayed with you from your sabbatical?  
While staying for a few days in the Umaria district of Madhya Pradesh, I got a chance to live with Rampal Sing Gond from Dhawaijhar village. He feels that forests, trees, animals, etc, are part of his own life, and so he has started planting trees and protecting forests on his own. He is not connected with any organisation, but with his work, I feel he has become an institution in himself. He made me learn about the real meaning of civic action.
 
Usually we, in the family, travel together, whenever it happens, but during this period of time I travelled to Delhi, Gandhinagar with my daughter, and it made me feel very different. I am not sure what, but those days made us friends. 
 
What did you struggle with during your sabbatical?  
When I informed the donor of our organisation that I would be away for a few months and in this period two of our senior colleagues would be handling the overall functioning of the organisation, they had a sceptical view about it. They also had assumptions about my role and utilisation of the salary component. In this backdrop, I had to engage with them in long conversations and make sure that everything would function smoothly.
 
When the sabbatical started, the organisation’s Chartered Accountant asked a very particular question – How does this fit in the objectives of FCRA? How will you, as a head of the organisation, justify the utilisation of these resources?  In this context, we argued with him from the 2 approaches, firstly, it should be seen as a part of the institutional strengthening process, and secondly, I will submit a learning document on the basis of my visits to CSOs and my study. Although I feel he was not very convinced by these arguments.
 
As I have mentioned somewhere above, my upbringing took place within the social movements, campaigns, and alliances, where I have developed very deep-rooted relations with people, and my usual role has been to document stories, conduct knowledge sessions, or facilitate training programs. When I entered into the sabbatical process and replied to them that I may not join the programs or can’t facilitate their training sessions, they simply said – Don’t do it for Vikas Samvad, but you can do it for us? What is this sabbatical? We carry a long-standing relationship with many such people and organisations, so I struggled a lot to say no to them. In such a scenario, I had to engage with Agami (for their Justice-makers Mela), Vagdhara (for their Swaraj Samvad), and National Foundation for India (for National Conclave on Indian Constitution). I feel it’s a very organic response or expectation, as we have never learnt to be out of social action for being with ourselves.   
 
Any insights or learnings from your sabbatical that you plan to implement in your work / personal life?  
Based on the learnings and realisations, I am thinking of discussing making provisions for short-period sabbaticals for the senior team members.
 
I have also gained realistic insights about the existing organisational leadership capacities, and I realised that we need to work more extensively on developing the leadership attitude and prepare people for it.  
 
Do you feel a sense of rest and wellbeing post your sabbatical? If yes, in what way and if not, what was missed?  
I am just back from the sabbatical and it is a true response that prior to completion of the sabbatical period, I had started thinking of work to be initiated. But this period actually helped me collate energy and revive fresh thinking process.
 
How did your colleagues and family feel about your sabbatical?  
I must confess that I should have been more prepared and should have had a planning with the family as well.
 
Sometimes we feel that this is an option to reduce the burden of work, but actually it is not. What will happen, once we are back to same place in same role? Actually this is an opportunity to reflect on how to craft our role and attitude!
 
​Any feedback / areas of improvement to The Cocoon Initiative about the process?  
Have an orientation prior to the beginning of sabbatical for preparing me could have been a good idea. During the course of sabbatical suddenly some feelings and emotions were triggered, and I was not prepared for them. Initial discussion might have helped me in psycho-emotional preparations.
 
After the sabbatical, I feel a space (like a self-connecting retreat for 4-5 days) can be created for expanding the domains and the conversation might help people to articulate the experiences of the journey.